I find myself trying to establish a social network --again. This is the fourth time in six years, 1) after college returning to Minnesota, 2) moving back to North Carolina after 3 years in Minnesota, 3)moving to Maryland to start graduate school, and now 4) the transition from graduate school to professional life and finding friends with a similar schedules...
I have found that more often than not my life consists of work...with very little social outlet. I have a weekly "date" with a F/friend, who I first met at a NYM (Northern Yearly Meeting) youth retreat when I was 16. She and I ended up in Baltimore serendipitously about the same time. I am thankful for our weekly dinners, however, as our lives go in various directions we are braking the date more and more frequently.
I have two friends from school I see semi-regularly when our schedules permit. I am certainly not complaining that I only have a few friends in the area...but it can get lonely, living in a big city and doing most things solo...
I told God that my only resolution for 2007 was to go to meeting more often. But that he was responsible for getting my up in time. Which is perhaps not fair, but part of being faithful is being lead. Going to meeting frequently would not only be good for the obvious spiritual reasons...and lord knows I need to spend more time being devote and working on being centered. But it would also provide me with a healthy social outlet. The community of corporate worship would be good. However, even when I am up on Sunday mornings I don't always get to meeting.
I have had several instances of impending panic attacks on my way to meeting. Sometimes this has to do with parking, sometimes this has to do with which meeting I am trying to go to, and sometimes it is the thought of having to face so many new people all alone. When I get the feeling that I am working my way toward a panic attack or feel my blood pressure rising...I usually abort my mission. It seems to be counter-productive to get that worked up in an attempt to stave off my spiritual malnutrition to center myself to deal with the week ahead. When I have managed to get myself to meeting without any problems, it has been a very rewarding experience. So why do I make it so difficult on myself to attend regularly?
2 comments:
A lot of people think that Quakers have got to be perfectly calm and centered like a rock. Could it be that you don't go to meeting because you think that when you are in an emotional turmoil you are "unworthy" to sit in waiting worship with other Friends? Need I mention that the original James Naylor was hardly a calm, solid as a rock Quaker. He was a wild man. There a lot of precedent for Quakers being very emotional people. They didn't always sit around like Buddhist monks deep in meditation; often they were a much livelier crowd. So choose the role model that's right for you and stick with it.
I'm not sure if you are currently located in Minnesota or in Baltimore... Either way, if you want to connect privately by phone or email--to talk about panic attacks or to talk about worship opportunities and Friends in either location--I make myself available to you (I know more about Minnesota than I do about Baltimore, but I do have personal contacts for sure in both places!).
You can email me at lizopp AT gmail DOT com if you wish.
Other than that, be gentle with yourself. It sounds like you are doing your best, given your experiences...
Blessings,
Liz Opp, The Good Raised Up
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